The Only Analysis That Really Matters

You know, we can and have spent tons of time breaking down the matchups of each different game. What we haven't done yet, however, is take a look at the most important matchup of the Spokane regional.

That's right, folks: we're talkin' mascots!

Now this may come as a little bit of a surprise to some of you, that I'd be willing to discuss mascots at all, considering what happened during HokieGate a couple months back. For those of you who aren't in the loop, during the Terps' win at Virginia Tech, the Hokie Bird unplugged our equipment no less than three times during the broadcast. I've not had much of a taste for mascots since then.

Until now.

Let's take a quick look at each of the four mascots here representing the competing teams. Mascots will be judged on three criteria: creativity, energy when performing, and likelihood that it'll kill me in my sleep. You can also click each picture to get a larger view of each mascot.

Pittsburgh - Roc The Panther: Blah. Admittedly, you don't have much to work with when your nickname is the Panthers, but there's really not much here that's too terribly memorable about Pitt's mascot. Credit is due, however, in the energy category; Roc certainly does work for his......uh......what do panthers eat, anyway?

And let's also make it clear, Roc isn't some cutesy panther, either. Props to Pitt, whose mascot scores very high on the "holy crap, it's going to eat me" scale.



Vanderbilt - Mr. C: What the heck is this? An old man? Vandy's nickname is the Commodore; sirs Merriam and Webster define this as a captain in the navy in command of a squadron. I can see that with the hat, sure. But the warmup shirt and the shorts? Does anybody else see that and think of their senile grandfather who sits around talking about how much harder it was back in his day?

And what's with the nickname in general? What navy is Vanderbilt supposed to command in Nashville, Tenn.? Awful mascot, awful nickname, although I suppose it gets creativity points because nobody else is dumb enough to have an old man as their mascot.

Stanford - The Stanford Tree: Making a tree as Stanford's mascot actually makes some sense, since there is a big ol' tree in the middle of the "S" in Stanford's logo, but why is there a tree there to begin with? Oh well. The creativity here really soars off the chart, almost to a fault. Is it possible to look at this thing and not think that somebody had some......chemical assistance......when they designed it?

Where Stanford really scores high is in the energy category. The only reason I couldn't get a great shot of the Tree is because it was constantly moving around. Bravo, Stanford. Bravo.

Maryland - Testudo: If you don't know who Testudo is, you're not a Maryland fan. Period. The clear winner here in creativity, since it's original in a non-"what the heck were they smoking?" kind of way. Testudo also does pretty good in the energy category, pumping up the crowd without overdoing it.

Scott does, however, point out that Testudo could use a little bit more bulk on his frame. "Not steroid-ish, but just a little more flattering. A little more muscle mass. Meat."

Now I realize that Testudo looks so cute and adorably cuddly, but don't be fooled. Get too close to that beak (yes, it's a beak, not just a mouth), and you'll be one-handed for the forseeable future. Fear the turtle - literally.

And the winner is......: Call me biased, but Maryland's beloved turtle has to come out on top here. Roc and Mr. C lose out based on their lack of creativity and general suckitude, respectively. In the battle between the Tree and Testudo, the Stanford Tree is just simply too friggin' weird to come out on top here.

Will the actual game hold to form? We'll have to wait until tomorrow night to see, but I think I hear Testudo sharpening his axe as we speak......